Pass the Draino.

Would someone please hand Britney Spears a bottle of Quaalude’s, a fifth of Stoli and a copy of Me and My Shadows
on DVD? I mean seriously, people. This girl has been on the Short Bus to Suicide Watch since she was a Mouseketteer. Why must we prolong the inevitable?

Come on, everyone in America thought the same thing when they heard America’s favorite pill-popping piecon was hole up in da house with da kids and the po-po’s at the door. Admit it. You thought what I thought: “Britney suicidal? Hand the girl a GUN!”

I’m a child of the 1990s. I know what to expect of my “Fame is so hard,” celebutantes. (Thank you, Kurt Cobain, for your wonderful example.) Britney, you need to chill. It could always be worse.

You could be Lindsey Lohan.

Here are a few of the stories you might have missed, turning on the TV during the Britney Spears is Nuts newsflash.

– Kenya has erupted in genocidal violence (kind of like in Sudan). What? … Kenya. You know…in Africa…No, that’s not a suburb of Detroit.

– Five U.S. servicemen were killed in Iraq…No, that’s not part of Mexico.

– A hiker was killed by a homeless man.

– Closer to home, a homeless man was almost killed by two rich snot-nosed teenagers.

– 23 people were murdered in the United States — all at the hands of *other people*.

– Hillary Clinton finished third in Iowa (yet she’s still acting like the front runner. Didn’t we all like her better when she was just standing by her man?)

And a hundred other news stories.

Operative word: news.

To the paparazzi: thank you for the invaluable service you provide, keeping Perez and TMZ.com in all those pictures. To the rest of the media: until the little cokehead is dead, it’s not news.