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Sudden-onset Nasal Implosion

Sudden-onset Nasal Implosion

I really think the above should be a diagnosis. Can’t you just see Angie Harmon looking at the cold corps of a murder victim with no face and then looking up when the woman that looks like Oprah says, “It wasn’t blunt-force trauma to the face. Sudden-onset Nasal Implosion.”

So the other night, I went to the pub, had a few drinks, (I don’t want to hear it. I know I said I wouldn’t be back, but there are no other bars in this town, damn it!), and then came home. I was feeling fine. Well, maybe not fine.

I was hungry, majorly jonesing for a zebra cake or a box of swiss rolls. Drinking on an empty stomach: never a good idea. No one wanted to go Applebee’s for one of the chocolate things I was craving so, dejectedly, I called my only true friend left in the world: Johnny. I ordered cheese sticks and cinnamon sticks. (Just snacks. After all, I’d already HAD dinner much earlier.)

Food comes. Godfather comes on. Yay. Pizza and Pacino. Can’t go wrong there. So there I am, drinking coke, chowing down, and texting Trey about going to the mattresses. (If you have to ask, you don’t get it. Luca Bracci sleeps with the fishes.) And thn it hits.

Coughing, wheezing, unable to breathe. Sneezing. And then, more sneezing. Chest pains. Until, at last, I decide I’m going to die.

Sudden-onset Nasal Implosion. Also known as: how I catch a cold.

Some people catch a cold like they ponder new sheets. They lallygag around by the Home Decor department in JC Penney, maybe spend just an extra few minutes in Wal-mart. Finally, right before the observer would think they’d decided to spend another season with the brown and orange paisley polyblend they’ve had since their marriage, they surprise everyone and come home with all new brown and orange paisley polyblend sheets.

I’m not like that. I’m much more of an impulse shopper.

I’m walking through Target and just go, “Hey, new sheets!”

In much the same way, I get sick.

This time, it came during act two of the greatest movie ever made. Right after Sonny beats the hell out of Carlo Rizzi and right before buying it at the Jersy Pike toll booth.

Right now, I feel like I’m stuck with this as long as those other guys are stuck with their polyblend paisleys. Wish me luck. Send Vitamin C.